Will you comment on this poem?

Rigid isn't the right word choice for me but leave it if you want. i think you can take out the "i'm in the 4th line" and the "my" in the next and the "my" before the though and the "I" before take and then where it's says "to the ground" instead of putting a period put a comma so it goes "I watch the snow fall silently to the ground, take a deep breath, and let go" (not let it go but just let go) the snow reminds me of fading dreams it only stays for a little while sounds better to me as ---> I take a deep breath and let go, the snow reminds me of fading dreams, only there for a while, fading into nothing". you don't have to take any of my suggestions. poems just sound better to me when the wordyness is removed.